Akaneiro (Comic)

American McGee is a name in the gaming industry that is today probably most associated with his popular alternate take on the Alice in Wonderland story, a PC game entitled American McGee’s Alice, which recently received a sequel, Alice: Madness Returns, on multiple platforms. While I am not one to subscribe to one person’s entire catalog of work, I do find his alternate takes on fantasy stories, or at least the ideas behind them, to be very fascinating, such as the concept behind the free-to-play ARPG Akaneiro: Demon Hunters, from his Shainghai, China-based company Spicy Horse, which takes the popular Little Red Riding Hood fairy tale and places it in a Feudal Japan setting. While I haven’t actually played the game, I did show some interest in a tie-in comic from Dark Horse, simply titled Akaneiro, since I figured I could at least experience the story that way. The existence of this comic took me completely by surprise, since I only found out when my local comic shop listed the comic on their website. It was only when the third and final issue had come out that I thought to request back-orders, which I did so I could read the story in one shot. After reading the whole thing in one sitting, I found the comic to be overall worth the purchase.

The Iomante ceremony is about to begin in the Ainu village, which aims to help a deceased bear move on to the afterlife. A village girl named Kani, however, doesn’t feel comfortable trying to follow every Ainu tradition, mainly because her father wasn’t an Ainu villager to begin with, being a Ronin samurai who wandered into the village; a traditional facial tattoo was being applied to Kani before she kicked the tattooist in the face, resulting in only a small dot on her upper lip. As her father tries to comfort her, however, a Yokai (demon) interrupts the Iomante ceremony, turning the bear carcass into a demon as well. As Kani’s father tries to take down this new Yokai, it proves to be too much for him, at which point Kani takes his axe and attempts to fend off the demon herself. Soon, the Red Hunters of the Order of Akane, who are specifically trained to hunt Yokai, show up to finish the evil bear off, gathering the Karma Crystals that appear as a result. While most of the Ainu villagers are mad at the Red Hunters for their actions, Kani disagrees, wishing to join the Red Hunters to make peace between the two groups. After negotiations have been made, Kani sets off to find the village of the Order of Akane on her own, knowing not what exactly she had just gotten herself into.

The story, written by Justin Aclin, is actually fairly well-written and has a pretty good pace to it. While it is based on a video game, it feels self-contained, which is a good thing for people like me who are not familiar with the game proper. Being a story that’s also based on Little Red Riding Hood, it also hits on all the right points of the original tale, but with a nice twist on them to suit the narrative. For instance, the red hood takes the form of a red-dyed cloak given to Kani by her father before beginning her journey, while the role of the wolf in the story is played by a large pack of wolf demons. There’s more to the connections than this, but you will know them when you see them (assuming you are familiar with the fairy tale in some way, which you most likely are). The story also has a nice amount of foreshadowing and twists for its 3-issue run that will keep you going until the very end. I also like the way Karma Crystals are worked in, which from what I gather is an actual mechanic in the original game, their inclusion written such that they don’t really feel out of place.

I wasn’t entirely sure what to make of the artwork by Vasilis Lolos, since I found it a little odd at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized the style actually fits the story, considering its Feudal Japan setting. The characters are at least distinguishable from each other and the Yokai that Kani encounters have a nice variety to them. The colors by Michael Atiyeh aid Lolos’ pencils and help give the comic a nice feel to it that further matches the setting of the book. Even more impressive are the covers by Shu Yan, which are very nicely done and do the job well of catching one’s eye to the comic, displaying a lot of well-placed lighting and shading while still making Kani the focal point of the composition. While the style of the interiors may be off-putting at first to people who are regularly spoiled by big-name artists in the comic book crowd, Vasilis Lolos’ style is at least more up to par than the artists on the Mirror’s Edge and Chronicles of Vergil comics.

At the end of the journey, the Akaneiro comic is actually pretty good. The story does a good job of getting readers interested in Akaneiro: Demon Hunters by being self-contained, free Karma Pack codes on the back of each issue aside, and the art, while not the greatest, is actually a great fit for the story and is better than a few other video game comics I have seen. If you are an American McGee fan, whether you have played the actual game or not, this is a comic you can definitely get into. Even if you aren’t that familiar with an American McGee product, this is definitely a comic you can just pick up and read. The codes included with each comic are something more to entice Akaneiro players with for picking up the comic, but they also provide a perfect incentive to get non-players to start playing the game. Regardless of whether you decide to use the code or not, the comic itself should provide a good-enough experience on its own.

Stubs - Peter Pan

Peter Pan (1953) Starring (the Voices of): Bobby Driscoll, Kathryn Beaumont, Hans Conried, Paul Collins Directed by Clyde Geronimi, Wilfred Jackson, Hamilton Luske. Screenplay by Milt Benta, William Cottrell, Winston Hibler, Bill Peet, Erdman Penner, Joe Rinaldi, Ted Sears and Ralph Wright. Based on the play Peter Pan, aka The Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up and Peter and Wendy, by J.M. Barrie. Produced by Walt Disney. Run Time: 77 minutes. Color. U.S. Animated. Adventure, Musical

What a better way to spend Friday the 13^th then watching an animated Disney classic? Okay, so that’s debatable, but this Friday the 13^th, that’s what we did. And who hasn’t seen Peter Pan before? The pattern goes, as it does with most classic Disney films, you watched it as a child, become a parent and share it with your child, their child, etc. etc.

The film begins in Edwardian England (1901-1910), just after the death of Queen Victoria, which really has nothing to do with the story, other than it’s an interesting historical fact. George (Hans Conried) and Mary (Heather Angel) are an upper middle class couple living in the London neighborhood of Bloomsbury. They have three children, John (Paul Collins), eight, Michael (Tommy Luske) four, and Wendy (Kathryn Beaumont), twelve.

Wendy enjoys retelling stories to the boys of Peter Pan (Bobby Driscoll), who fights pirates and Indians and leads the original Lost Boys gang who are all eternally youthful. Of course, Peter likes hearing these stories, too, and one night he’s gotten too close and Nana, the family dog and nurse maid to the children (call child welfare), grabs away his shadow, which Wendy locks up.

Wendy enjoys telling her brothers stories of Peter Pan.

It’s the night of a big party; George and Mary are rushing around getting ready, while Nana, the dog, gets the children ready for bed. Apparently, part of that ritual, besides the stories of Peter Pan is a vile medicine/tonic the children receive as part of their health regime. George is off looking for his gold cufflinks, which the boys have copped for buried treasure, drawing a map on father’s stiff shirt front (this is Edwardian times). Nana picks up in George’s wake, as he trips over toys in the nursery, where the children sleep, finally knocking himself and the dog over. The hit in the head and the fact that everyone in the family is more concerned about the dog make George decide that things as they are have to stop.

The Darling children's nanny is a dog called Nana.

He decides that the Peter Pan stories are just riling up the boys and blames Wendy, whom he decides is too old to be sharing a room with her brothers. She is on the cusp of adolescence after all. He also decides that a dog is not a good nanny for the kids and ties her up outside. No nanny is apparently better than a four-legged one, as George and Mary prepare to leave for the party, with the children in bed and no one else in the house to watch over them. (I think they call it child abandonment now.)

George and Mary Darling set out with their children unattended.

Peter Pan returns with Tinker Bell, a vengeful pixie, to retrieve his shadow, which he finds and captures. Wendy sews the shadow to his shoes, because that’s how that works and Peter becomes infatuated with her, but in a maternal sort of way. He wants to bring her back to Neverland (not the Michael Jackson ranch) to be the mother for the Lost Boys. While she wants to go, she can’t without John and Michael. With the help of happy thoughts and pixie dust, the three join Peter and Tink as they make the overnight flight from London to Neverland, which is really just an island.

Peter Pan leads Wendy, John and Michael to Neverland.

Just off shore is Captain Hook’s (Hans Conried) pirate ship. Hook’s first mate and sidekick, Mr. Smee (Bill Thompson), takes care of his captain’s every need and liaisons with the crew. Hook is planning revenge for his dismemberment thanks to Peter. 

Apparently, Pan cut off the Captain’s hand, and fed it to a crocodile, who developed not just a taste for human flesh, but for Captain Hook in particular. The pirate trembles whenever the croc is nearby, which he knows because the croc swallowed whole an alarm clock, which is still ticking inside him. The hand has been replaced with an eponymous hook. (Here’s a question, is it by “happy” happenstance that Captain Hook now has a hook, since that’s his name or if not, would he be Captain Stump?)

In order to find Peter Pan’s hiding place, Hook decides to kidnap the daughter of the Indian Chief called Big Chief (Candy Candido), Tiger Lily (Corinne Orr), who like everything feminine on the island has it for Peter, though Peter doesn’t know what to do with the attention. (Part of the problem with never growing up.)

Tiger Lily, the daughter of Big Chief being held captive by Captain Hook.

Hook’s crew is growing restless, since they’d rather be out at sea, doing what pirates like best (Ham Nite?). Peter’s arrival gives them something to do, when Hook orders an attack. But Peter and the Darlings have no trouble evading the cannon balls fired at them.

Tinker Bell flies ahead and tells the Lost Boys (Cubby: Robert Ellis; Nibs: Jeffery Silver; the Twins: Jonny McGovern; and Slightly: Stuffy Singer) that Peter wants them to shoot Wendy down and kill her. (Tink is a bit of a scamp, what with death to her enemies and all.) The boys do as ordered and throw rocks at Wendy, knocking her out of the sky, only to be rescued by Peter.

Peter and the Lost Boys he commands.

For her treachery, and lack of remorse, Tinker Bell is banished from Neverland, forever, though her sentence is quickly commuted to one week. While the Darling boys go with the Lost Boys (who like the Darlings are still dressed in pajamas, though theirs seem to be animal themed) on a walk about the island to look for Indians. Naturally, John, who has just arrived on the island, is made the Leader of the group.

Tinker Bell is banished for a week from Neverland for plotting to kill Wendy.

While they’re off doing that, Peter takes Wendy on a tour of the island so she can meet the mermaids. Wendy feels out of place and with good reason. As jealous as Tinker Bell is, the mermaids try to drown her in their lagoon. Peter at first laughs off the murder attempt, but things change in a hurry when Hook and Smee and a bound up Tiger Lily arrive by boat. The idea is that she will be trapped and drowned in a rising tide unless she spills the beans on Peter’s hideout.

The mermaids are happy to see Peter Pan.

Usually, the Lost Boys and the Indians play fight, with the winner letting the loser go right away. But today is different. The Indian Chief blames the Lost Boys for Tiger Lily’s disappearance and if she’s not brought back by sunset, he will punish the Lost Boys by burning them at the stake.

Peter plays mind tricks on Captain Hook and Smee, separating the two and giving Smee orders in a spot on imitation of Captain Hook’s voice, telling him to return Tiger Lily to her tribe. It might have worked too if Smee hadn’t rowed past the real Hook and asked what he was doing. Hook and Peter get into a sword fight, which ends up with Hook hanging by the hook over a cliff. Down below in the water is the Croc with a taste for Hook. Smee has to rescue his Captain and they make an escape just ahead of the Croc. Pan, eventually, rescues Tiger Lily, waiting until after the water has already overwhelmed her, but a rescue is a rescue.

The Croc has a taste for Captain Hook and he's hungry.

Back at the Indian village, Pan is treated like a hero and there is a fete. Every time Wendy tries to enjoy the party, she is treated like a squaw and told to retrieve more fire wood. Fed up with her treatment, Wendy returns to the hideout.

Peter is made an honorary Chief for returning Tiger Lily to her father.

Captain Hook hears of Tinker Bell’s banishment and plots with her to seek revenge on Wendy. Thinking she can get rid of her rival, Tinker goes along with the plot and shows him on a map the exact location of the hideout, Hangman’s Tree. She is rewarded for her help by being locked in a lantern.

Inside the hideout, there is a mutiny in the works. Wendy and her brothers are growing homesick for house and hearth and she invites the Lost Boys to join them, saying her mother would welcome them. The Lost Boys are interested in going, but Peter Pan refuses. Pan sulks as the boys one by one follow Wendy’s lead and one by one are captured by Captain Hook and his crew as they exit. Hook leaves a time bomb to kill Peter. Tinker Bell, who overhears the plot, frees herself from her lantern jail cell in time to snatch the bomb out of Peter’s hands just as it explodes.

The children are taken to Hook’s ship and given the option of joining their ranks or walking the plank. Convinced that Peter will rescue them, Wendy encourages the others to walk the plank rather than throw in with Hook.

Peter escapes unharmed from the explosion, but Tinker Bell is wounded. After attending to her, the two confront the pirates and free the children. While Peter duels with Hook, the Lost Boys take on the rest of the crew.

Hook tricks Peter into a mano a mano fight without flying and nearly bests Pan, but in the end, Peter triumphs. Rather than killing Hook, Peter agrees to banish him, but the pirate attacks one more time. It ends with Peter pushing the Captain into the mouth of the crocodile. While Smee and the rest of the crew attempt to rescue their Captain, Peter, with Tink’s help, pilots the ship back to London. On board, though, the Lost Boys change their minds and decide to return to Neverland with Peter rather than be adopted by the Darlings’ in London.

Peter Pan takes on Captain Hook and his sword with his only knife.

When the Darlings return home from their party, they find Wendy asleep at the window, rather than in her bed, like John and Michael. When they wake her up, she excitedly tells them of the adventure she and her siblings have been on. The parents dismiss the story as fantasy that is until George sees what appears to be a pirate ship in the clouds and realizes he recognizes it from his own childhood.

Seeing the film again when everyone is an adult is a little different experience than the first or fifth time and certain themes get picked up that might not have been noticed or discussed before.

Peter, who is really not a human boy, but rather a sprite, comes across a self-absorbed jerk. He loves attention, even if it’s from girls, and loves to regale anyone who will listen with stories of his adventures. He doesn’t notice that every woman on the island has it out for Wendy and not in the scare off the competition kind of way. No. Tinker and then the mermaids try to kill her or at least have Wendy be killed by others, as in the case of Tink. He almost lets Tiger Lily drown while he pats himself on the back for besting Captain Hook yet again. He wants complete devotion from the Lost Boys and when he doesn’t get it, he sulks.

Now granted, this is how children of his age often behave anyway, but do kids really need a role model for not taking responsibility? They don’t call it the Peter Pan syndrome for nothing. Everyone should retain a bit of the child in themselves, but there is a big difference between that and being childish, which is really what Peter is. Peter as a character doesn’t really change; it’s those around him who do, sort of like Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory.

If I had stayed with New Discourse film theory, I would probably be boring you all with the Freudian interpretations of the storyline, what with the same actor playing both father, George Darling and Captain Hook (as in the original play); Peter’s fascination with Wendy as a mother-figure, etc., but I honestly don’t think J.M. Barrie had that in mind when he wrote the play.

I’m afraid it has been years since I’ve seen this play. But I did some research and found that the play ends quite differently than the movie. The Lost Boys return with Wendy and Mrs. Darling adopts them. There is a hint that Mrs. Darling knew Peter when she was younger, too. Peter refuses the offer of adoption, not wanting to become a man. He promises Wendy that he’ll come for her every spring.

Not satisfied, Barrie wrote an additional scene for the play, called The Afterthought. Years pass and Peter returns for Wendy, but she’s grown up and even married one of the Lost Boys. Peter feels betrayed that Wendy grew up, but her daughter Jane agrees to go back to Neverland with Peter and be his mother. In the novel Barrie wrote based on the play, the cycle continues with Jane’s daughter Margaret going back to Neverland with Peter and on and on. This extra scene is not always performed with the play.

But our concern here is the Disney movie and not the original material on which it’s based. It is tough to say you shouldn’t see a beloved classic and I’m not going to say that here. However, you should know that some depictions in the film, I’m specifically referring to the Indians, is very stereotyped and while it might reflect what was permissible at the time, is not what would be considered politically correct today. Outside of Washington, they’re not referred to as Redskins much anymore and the song “What Made the Red Man Red?” is now just seen as misguided. But viewpoints have changed since this film’s release in 1953 and the original release of the play in 1904. Wouldn’t you be shocked if they hadn’t?

Bigotry and oedipal interpretation notwithstanding, Peter Pan is a film about the desire we all had at one time, not to grow up and take on responsibility. Peter is a jerk, because he’s a kid and I mean that in the nicest way possible. It is hard to imagine, when you’re ten, how hard adult life is going to be and even once you’re an adult yourself you sometimes wish there wasn’t so much on your plate to worry about.

Peter Pan, like all of the classic Disney animated films, from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937) up through The Fox and the Hound (1981) should be seen and enjoyed. They are part of growing up, even if you never see one in a theater. While some of the songs may not stand the test of time, the crocodile is still funny and should give you a laugh and make you feel lucky to be alive, even on Friday the 13^th.

Stubs – The Pirates! Band of Misfits

The Pirates! Band of Misfits aka The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists! (2012) Voices: Hugh Grant, David Tennant, Imelda Stanton, Martin Freeman, Jeremy Piven. Directed by Peter Lord. Screenplay by Gideon Defoe. Based on the book The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists! By Gideon Defoe. Produced by Peter Lord, David Sproxton, Julie Lockhart. Run Time: 88 minutes. Color. U.K. /U.S. Animated Comedy

Aardman Animations is a British studio perhaps best known for Nick Park’s stop-motion animation plasticine characters Wallace and Gromit, who appeared in three theatrical shorts, one feature, one TV Series and a bunch of interstitials. The studio, founded in 1972 by Peter Lord and David Sproxton, has been producing animation for a lot longer starting off doing animated sequences for the BBC, and various other shorts, including the Peter Gabriel music video Sledgehammer.

Aardman Animation Studios in Bristol, UK.

A lot of attention fell on Aardman when shorts they produced competed against each other for the Academy Award for Best Animated Short, with Creature Comforts (1989) defeating A Grand Day Out (1989). Since then, they’ve had success on both sides of the Atlantic, producing, amongst other works, shorts: Adam (1991), The Wrong Trousers (1993) and A Close Shave (1995); TV series: Creature Comforts (1989), Shaun the Sheep (2007) and Wallace and Gromit’s World of Invention (2010).

Aardman's best known creations: Wallace and his dog, Gromit.

But since this is a review blog about features, it is those that are of the most interest here. Aardman’s first feature, Chicken Run (2000), co-produced with Dreamworks Animation, an homage to The Great Escape (1963), was a huge success. But unlike Pixar, another animation-only studio, Aardman didn’t have a backlog of films in various stages of production, with one ready to go every year. The studio’s follow up to Chicken Run took five years, but Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005) was also a success, though not quite as big of one as Chicken Run.

It was the next film which not only ended the studio’s relationship with Dreamworks, but was also their first computer animated film, Flushed Away (2006). The film is proof that higher budgets don’t make for better movies. As opposed to the $30 million and $45 million dollar budgets for their first two features, Flushed Away cost a staggering $149 million, but only made $178 million at the Box office and received the worst reviews so far for an Aardman feature.

While Aardman’s relationship with Dreamworks ended, their experimentation with CG animation did not. With new partner, Sony Pictures Animation, Aardman made Arthur Christmas (2011). This time the budget was trimmed to $100 million, but despite a better critical reception than Flushed, Arthur made less at the box office, $147 million.

With Pirates, Aardman returns to stop-motion animation, which is their bread and butter. Loosely based on the book The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists! by Gideon Defoe, published in 2004, the resulting film adaptation must have had Defoe’s blessing, since he wrote the screenplay. Renamed The Pirates! Band of Misfits for North America (because we can’t handle the truth apparently) and with some parts recast, the film was released in 2012.

If you leave everything you think you know about pirates at the door to the cinema, you’ll appreciate it more.

In 1837, Pirate Captain (Hugh Grant) runs a ragtag group of pirates, who very much respect their captain, but don’t see his shortcomings as a pirate. The best thing for The Pirate Captain and his crew about being a pirate is not the plundering, but Ham Nite, in which the entire crew shares a ham for dinner.   

The Pirate Captain's crew gathers for Ham Nite; the best thing about being a pirate.

The Pirate Captain enters, as he does every year, the Pirate of the Year awards competition. He’s thinking that it’s really a numbers game and sooner or later he’s bound to win. However, it’s all about the plundering and as soon as he fills out his entry form, he is shown up by the next three contestants, all of whom arrive, making ever grandiose entries and with bigger bounties, Peg Leg Hastings (Lenny Henry), Cutlass Liz (Selma Hayek) and Black Bellamy (Jeremy Piven), the Pirate Captain’s nemesis from the book. Black Bellamy arrives in the belly of a whale full of gold.

Black Bellamy arrives in style at the registration for Pirate of the Year.

The three other pirate captains make fun of Pirate Captain’s small bag of gold and he and his crew slink away, but with plans to up their plundering. After several unsuccessful attempts, including a ship with plague patients on board, Pirate Captain tries to talk his first mate, the Pirate with a Scarf (Martin Freeman) into moving into another line of work, selling baby clothes. But they agree to give pirating one more try.

Pirate Captain, holding Polly, isn't much of a Pirate. Note the low reward.

Enter Charles Darwin (David Tennant) aboard the Beagle. Overrun by the Pirate Captain’s crew, they find no treasure, just animals Darwin is using as part of his research. Darwin recognizes that the crew’s beloved parrot Polly is really a living dodo bird, thought to have been long extinct by then. He convinces Pirate Captain to let him take it back to England to enter the find in the Scientist of the Year competition at the Royal Academy in London. Pirate Captain is lured into the voyage because Darwin convinces him it’s a very valuable prize, despite the warning that Queen Victoria (Imelda Stanton) hates pirates. (It’s even in her royal crest.) Darwin wants to win the Scientist prize so he can impress Queen Victoria, whom he has a secret crush on.

The pirates' attempts at plundering lead them to the Beagle and Charles Darwin.

Once they’re in London, Pirate Captain and crew are introduced to Mr. Bobo, a chimpanzee that Darwin has trained to be a man-panzee, who is both is servant and co-conspirator. The conspiracy comes into play when Darwin needs Bobo’s help to steal Polly, so he can present the finding at the award show himself. This results in the chase scene that was prominent in the film’s trailer, which ends with pretty much the entire crew sharing Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate’s (Ashley Jensen) bathtub by the time it winds up in the street.

Mr. Bobo communicates using pre-printed cards.

With Polly back in his possession, Pirate Captain decides he will present the Dodo to the Scientists himself and, of course, wins. But the valuable prize turns out to be a miniscule trophy, which comes with a complete set of encyclopedias and the opportunity to meet the pirate-hating Queen. During the ceremony, Pirate Captain lets slip his true identity and is about to be put to death then and there, but at the very, very last second, the Queen spares his life. Instead, she wants Polly for herself and only the Pirate Captain knows where the bird is. Pirate Captain is given a complete pardon and wants to get away. But Darwin has been told by the Queen to get the bird back using any means necessary.

Pirate Captain and crew dressed as Scientists.

Using wine and women as a lure, Darwin gets the Captain off his ship and into a tavern, where he gets the Pirate drunk. After closing time, the Captain reveals to his new friend Darwin he’s had the bird hidden in his beard. And as soon as he does, Bobo pulls a gun and Darwin takes the bird from the Captain. Another chase ensues through London ending at the Tower of London. Darwin convinces Pirate Captain he’s trying to impress a woman, but doesn’t reveal that it is the Queen, who has been waiting. Darwin and Mr. Bobo are dismissed down a trap door and the Captain is offered gold beyond his wildest expectations for the bird.

Back aboard ship, the crew is waiting for Ham Nite to start, when the Captain arrives with his new found treasure, a whopping story on how he got it and no visible sign of Polly. They set out for Blood Island and the Pirate of the Year ceremony. There, based on the size of his bounty, the Pirate Captain is about to be awarded Pirate of the Year by the Pirate King (Brian Blessed) himself when word arrives of the Queen’s pardon and is delivered to all by none other than Black Bellamy. If he’s been pardoned, then the Pirate Captain is no longer a pirate. In addition to giving up the award, he loses his hat and coat, his pirate’s badge with the googly eyes and his booty. All he has left is his crew, which when he finally reveals that Polly wasn’t asleep in his beard as he’s been telling them all along, but was sold to Queen Victoria, he loses as well.

Pirate Captain arrives on board with lots of loot and a whopping tale.

Going back to London, Pirate Captain sells baby clothes on the street until he becomes homesick for Polly and goes to take her back from the Queen’s petting zoo. But Polly is gone. Darwin and Bobo are there and Darwin tells him that the Queen is part of an endangered species dining club, whose membership includes other world leaders. They meet aboard the QV1, the Queen’s fortress-like ship, where the Dodo is a featured dish on the menu. Pirate Captain enlists Darwin to help him rescue Polly. They steal a dirigible and take out in search of the QV1. Meanwhile, Mr. Bobo, who didn’t want any part of the rescue mission, steals a boat.

Pirate Captain and Darwin steal a dirigible to hunt down the QV1 and save Polly.

Once aboard the QV1, Pirate Captain and Darwin manage to disrupt the dinner preparation, but the Queen isn’t fooled by the Captain’s imitation of the chef and goes to the galley to investigate. The Queen proves to be a formidable foe, skilled at swordplay and despite her bustle, quite athletic. She manages to subdue Darwin and then the Captain. She is about to chop off Polly’s head when Mr. Bobo arrives out of nowhere and snatches Polly away. Mr. Bobo has brought with him the rest of Pirate Captain’s crew. Helped by Pirate with a Scarf, Pirate Captain manages to cut loose barrels of vinegar which pushes the Queen into the Baking Soda storage bin. (Of course, this ship also has separate storage bins for tar and chickens.)

Queen Victoria proves to be a formidable foe.

The rest of the pirate crew manages to subdue the world leaders. While the crew is reuniting with their Captain, the vinegar and baking soda mix, exploding with a blob like substance, which the Queen rides to snatch Polly away again. The blob, though, continues to expand and the QV1 flounders. The Queen meanwhile, steals the dirigible and tries to escape. Pirate Captain manages to snag a lead line and starts climbing up. The Queen uses the Dodo’s beak to cut the rope, until the Dodo finally fights back. The Queen’s crown punctures the balloon and the Dodo and the Captain end up falling headed for the still turning propellers of the ship, which are now sticking straight up in the air.

Pirate Captain snatches Polly as they fall from the dirigible. Will someone catch them?

At the very last possible second, the crew manages to pluck the Captain out of the air and pulls him to safety. His pardon revoked by the Queen, the Captain is once again a pirate. His crew drops Darwin off on the Galapagos Islands where he can continue his work and where he meets native women. Mr. Bobo becomes one of The Pirates and Black Bellamy has his Pirate of the Year trophy revoked by the Pirate King.

In the end, the Pirate Captain is once again a pirate in good standing.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits is a definite improvement from Flushed Away, but for some reason Aardman films don’t seem to do very well at the US Box office, this one garnered only $31 million in the U.S. and Canada. Not good for an animated feature. Overall, the film is quite a bit better than the trailer had led me to believe it would be. The animation is up to Aardman standards, the voice acting is very well cast and there is a very good sense of humor than runs throughout.

On the downside, the original songs don’t do much for me, but they are fairly easy to ignore if you so choose. While I used to think the Who were pretty free with their licensing of their songs (see all the CSIs), the Clash just can’t say no when asked for London Calling. It’s as if this is the only song ever written about London as it always seems to appear in any movie or TV show when London is the destination. But the music is secondary.

The script is played for laughs and not for logic. It’s a little overly convoluted and some of the laughs are situationally forced. We wouldn’t have Darwin looking like an oversized chicken if the QV1 didn’t have tar and chickens stored conveniently one above the other like it just so happens to have. But some of the writing is just short of brilliant in places with some of the funniest lines being delivered as throw away dialogue. I especially like Pirate Captain, after receiving acclaim in London telling Charles Darwin: “Do you know what I’ve discovered Charles? The friends you make, after you’ve become famous, are better, truer friends than the ones you’ve had for years beforehand.”

There are a few differences between the North American version and the UK original, besides the name change. The Albino Pirate character, voiced in our version by Anton Yelchin, is voiced by Russell Tovey in the UK version. Similarly, the Pirate Who Likes Sunsets and Kittens is voiced in the UK by Ben Whitehead and in the US by Al Roker from NBC’s Today show. I imagined the latter change was made so that it could be promoted on the morning show, similarly to Katie Couric appearing in Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002) as a prison guard.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits is a fun film and I would definitely recommend it. However, I think Chicken Run is still the best feature so far released by Aardman Animations.

Sharknado - It Sucks. Go See It. Enough Said!

In the world of cinema, there exist movies made to make us laugh, ones to make us cry and ones that want us to feel both at the same time. Films have budgets of all kinds, some very high and some very low, but the end product doesn’t necessarily correlate with the cost to make it; Shaun of the Dead, for instance, is a very good movie made on a $6,000,000 budget while, conversely, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End cost $300,000,000 to make and wasn’t all that great. But then we have Shark movies, a sub-genre of B-movies which revolve around killer sharks and are created on shoestring budgets, which often creates a hilariously bad end result (except for Jaws, which is the only legitimately good Shark movie). Here, we have one of these movies, Sharknado, a Shark movie so bad that even the creators at The Asylum, who are no stranger to such films, were in on it and made their opinion known in the tagline: “Enough said!” Sharknado aired on the Syfy channel and garnered much media attention, leading to bigger ratings and even a limited midnight theatrical run. Its mere $1,000,000 budget shows hard, and the result is something so spectacularly awful that there is absolutely no reason to not see it at least once.

Sharknado follows a man named Finley “Fin” Shepherd (Ian Ziering), a surfer and owner of a bar on the Santa Monica Pier. A freak storm hits Los Angeles, a tornado filled with sharks. When some of the sharks end up on the beach, the local beach-goers decide that all they really need to do is avoid the water for a couple of days. However, that plan goes down the drain quickly as sharks manage to jump through the windows of the bar and the tornado, which operates more akin to a hurricane, generates waves large enough to not only heavily damage the pier, but also much of the surrounding area, creating a large death toll. Knowing how dangerous it now is to be near the beach, Fin decides to go, along with friends Baz (Jaason Simmons) and Nova Clarke (Cassie Scerbo), to Beverley Hills to rescue his estranged wife, April (Tara Reid) and teenage daughter, Claudia (Aubrey Peeples), before the storm gets too far inland.

The plot of Sharknado is as thin as the blood spilled in the movie and only serves as an excuse to give the audience something ridiculous and over-the-top to laugh at and sometimes with. At some point it gives up on really telling the story that manages to exist, since it actually switches gears halfway through, but barely anything holds it together anyway so there’s no actual reason to care. This is all right though, as it’s far more entertaining to see just how insane(ly stupid) the situations eventually become all the way to the absurd end. Every actor is completely wooden in their performance, but you can’t help but laugh with them, as they somehow manage to say so many dumb lines in a row with a straight face (including an obligatory Jaws reference/misquote). Surprisingly, Cassie Scerbo manages to deliver some emotion into her performance and has a back story that would make one actually care about her character. Unfortunately, this kind of character is in Sharknado, so it doesn’t really matter in the long run.

Equally bad are the effects, which are pretty obvious against the real world backdrop. Not only that, but the editing is so amazingly bad. Shots will change from being clear to dark and grainy and stock footage is spliced in everywhere. You could even make a drinking game out of every instance of these happenings, as well as times you can see dryer road when it’s supposed to be flooded (I swear I even saw cars go by on a low road during a scene with a flooding bus), but your liver will probably hate you for it if you don’t set the right rules. Where in other movies I would complain about the constant cuts, I could hardly stop chuckling at the inconsistencies on display here.

Stupidity and ridiculousness go hand-in-hand for the entire 86 minute duration, but that’s pretty clearly the point. The plot is an excuse for one of the more unbelievable premises for a Shark movie, let alone any movie, and the effects and acting are both incredibly lame, but there is definitely a certain charm to the whole thing that keeps you watching despite that. I encourage you to see Sharknado; you will not regret it.

Second Opinion - My Little Pony: Equestria Girls

While I am a big fan of the Transformers franchise, despite its various ups and downs over the years, and I've dabbled somewhat in the G.I. Joe universe before, with plans to watch Renegades and Resolute in the future, I will also admit to watching My Little Pony, specifically the most recent iteration, Friendship is Magic, incepted by Lauren Faust (wife of Craig McCracken of The Powerpuff Girls fame). If I were typing this at an earlier point in time since the show premiered, I would have considered myself a “brony”, but to be honest I am not digging recent material, namely the entirety of Season 3 and the accompanying comics released by IDW Publishing (although the recent Cutie Mark Crusaders Micro-Series comic proved itself to be a true diamond in the rough by my standards), to the point where, like my brother, I am on the brink of being disillusioned by Friendship is Magic as a whole. One of the major problems I have, aside from the declining writing quality across the board, is the series’ obsession with pop culture references as opposed to focusing on telling a solid story. Granted, things like the current Deadpool comic run by Brian Posehn and Gerry Duggan can pull this off and still be hilarious, and references are fine if it’s a natural part of the universe in some way, such as with Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure and naming characters/fighting moves after artists/songs/albums in music, but My Little Pony seems currently so stuffed with them, and putting disproportionate emphasis on fandom nods, that I audibly groan every time they come up (unless they’re subtle such as with IDW’s Transformers output).

Dio Brando from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
(Part 1: Phantom Blood).

Anyway, when it was announced that there would be a feature film written by veteran Friendship is Magic writer Meghan McCarthy titled Equestria Girls, made to compete with Mattel’s popular Monster High property, I became somewhat curious about it, but a little thrown back by the concept of humanized ponies present in official canon material, let alone it being set in a high school. The first trailer released online did not help matters at all, as I cringed at how cliché the concept appeared (the second trailer, while better, still did not entirely sell me on the concept). Despite this, I decided to watch the movie anyway during its theatrical run, mainly so I could form my own opinion and not be influenced by those of others. When I was watching, I think I had the wrong audience since it consisted mostly of die-hard fans who simply would not shut up, especially when a favorite background character of theirs popped up on screen, which no doubt confused any of the few audience members who were actual children. The sound quality didn’t really help matters, since it was very much presented in mono (one speaker). While I didn’t like the movie anyway, I decided to watch it again during its recent broadcast on The Hub network (which broadcasts the soon-to-be-concluding Transformers: Prime), if only so I could actually hear everything the way it was intended (my sound system at home is very much not mono). However, unlike Thor where it’s better once you can actually see everything, this movie isn’t any better even if you can actually hear it.

Spoiler Note: This movie takes place after the Friendship is Magic Season 3 finale, “Magical Mystery Cure”, so there will be unmarked spoilers regarding the episode. If you care about this sort of thing, please stop reading right now. You have been warned.

Following the events of “Magical Mystery Cure” (get it?), Twilight Sparkle (Tara Strong) is now a Princess, and she and her friends arrive at the Crystal Empire so Twilight can attend a meeting there with Princesses Celestia (Nicole Oliver), Luna (Tabitha St. Germain), and Cadance (Britt McKillip) the next day. While they are sleeping, a mysterious unicorn enters Twilight’s room to steal her crown, but she is spotted after tripping over Twilight’s dragon assistant, Spike (Cathy Weseluck), and everyone runs after her. However, it is too late and the crown and thief vanish through a magic mirror portal. It is then revealed that the thief is actually a former pupil of Princess Celestia’s named Sunset Shimmer (Rebecca Shoichet), and Twilight has to go through the mirror to stop her in another world. However, she has to recover the crown fast, since the portal will close soon and will remain closed for another thirty moons (or ~2.5 years, assuming they mean a “moon” to be a full moon cycle); also her friends can’t follow her, lest they upset some sort of strange cosmological balance. Twilight soon jumps through the portal, with Spike following after her, where she ends up in another world in the form of a human, with Spike taking on the appearance of a dog. Not only does Twilight have to get her crown back, but she must also get used to her new form as well.

Twilight Sparkle getting used to her new human body.

The idea of Twilight Sparkle dimension hopping leaves open a lot of possibilities, including several different types of plots that could have been explored to make Equestria Girls more exciting. However, the end result  is, to put it bluntly, so cliché that it hurts, almost physically. Much like how Cars 2 is every spy movie imaginable, Equestria Girls’ plot mostly follows the structure of nearly every high school movie plot ever constructed, although even saying that might be giving it too much credit. Sub-plots come out of nowhere only to be dropped soon after, making them utterly pointless and only serve to make you say “There’s that scene”. The movie also can’t seem to stay consistent with itself for more than 5 minutes, since one statement or event is often made only to be contradicted by another almost immediately afterwards; for example, Princess Celestia tells Twilight Sparkle in one early scene that she doesn’t know much about the other world, yet a few minutes later seems to display an awful lot of knowledge about how the space-time continuum works, using that as the basis for why Twilight’s friends couldn’t join her. Not helping this are numerous plot holes that the story proper doesn’t even attempt to address, though going into too much detail on that would create spoilers.

The characters themselves also leave something to be desired. When Twilight Sparkle reaches the human world, she happens to find other people who not only share the same names as her friends, but are also just like them down to personality and skin tones (which really just brings up comparisons to Nickelodeon’s Doug). I know this is an alternate universe, but I have a hard time swallowing that a more realistic human world would only have people whose real names are Fluttershy (Andrea Libman) or Rarity (Tabitha St. Germain) or whatever; perhaps they would have been better off if they were somehow just sort of nicknames (this was probably to be more like Monster High, but from what I've read it appears to be based in more of a fantasy horror setting, so the names there are more excusable). As for personalities, the human versions of existing characters are so much like their pony counterparts that, like a remake of an already good movie, you start to wonder what exactly the point was. Human Rainbow Dash (Ashleigh Ball) is pretty much still pony Rainbow Dash (Ashleigh Ball) and human Applejack (Ashleigh Ball) is exactly like pony Applejack (Ashleigh Ball), so it comes across as more repetitive of the show proper (Friendship is Magic), not taking into account scenes already recycled from the original show. The original characters of Sunset Shimmer and Flash Sentry (Vincent Tong), on the other hand, seem very underdeveloped for what they’re worth. Sunset Shimmer, the main villain who has a name eerily similar to Twilight Sparkle’s, is a one-dimensional, self-centered, unsympathetic jerk who is so cardboard that 80’s cartoon villains seem more three-dimensional by comparison and her 180 at the end seems so forced as to be unbelievable. Flash Sentry, on the other hand, is so generic that literally any other character could have taken his place and things would have played out exactly the same way; his only real purpose is so Twilight could have a love interest, which is one thing that the show the movie is based on was actively trying to avoid.

Pictured: The cast of Equestria Girls.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the animation of the movie is actually rather decent, showing improvement over the source material, especially over earlier episodes. I can’t say anything that would significantly knock down the animation, since even more subtle movements are animated well for being done in Flash (though guitar playing could’ve been done better), but the art style of the human world deserves some flak. For the most part, everyone has the same body type as the next guy, and on top of that nearly every character is rail thin, much like a Barbie or Ken doll. I know that most pony characters back in Equestria have similar character models, but if you’re trying to go for a human world more akin to real life, there should be more variety in body types, much like a real high school would. Oddly, footwear also seems to be a permanent fixture of human anatomy in this universe, which is weird when you see people having changed clothes between scenes. At least you can say the movie was animated well.

Pictured: Rarity, a perfect example of what humans normally look like.

The voice acting is also good, especially when it comes to more familiar characters from Friendship is Magic. I’m not sure if the voice actors themselves also found the script to be lackluster, but it’s clear they are at least making the most out of the lines they were given to read. The voice actors for new characters Sunset Shimmer and Flash Sentry also seem to make the most out of what they have, pulling off decent performances despite what they had to say, though I can’t help but feel they were given the short end of the stick on this production; hopefully if they return in Season 4 of Friendship is Magic, they are handed better scripts to read from. As for the music by William Anderson and Daniel Ingram, there is no doubt that they put their best into it, though Daniel Ingram’s compositions don’t really reach any more new highs than they already have in the original show. However, the sheer number of songs in this movie seems like nothing more than padding, no matter how good they may be, though as a fan of electronic music, I thought the remix of the Friendship is Magic theme present in the movie wasn’t very good (I wasn’t thinking it should be like Daft Punk or Deadmau5, who are within my personal top 5, but it still could’ve been a whole lot better).

Though it is better than Flash Sentry's (left) guitar playing.
(Also, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure he's holding a bass.)

Now my brother has already gone into great detail about the fandom nods and references present in his original review of the movie, though I still have a couple of things to say regarding this. Within the first scenes of the movie, Pinkie Pie (Andrea Libman) curls into a ball while explaining a made-up word, only to uncurl soon after to a transformation sound present in the Transformers franchise. When I heard this for the first time in a theater, I honestly thought it was coming from someone else’s cell phone (incidentally it’s a sound I even have on mine, though I had my phone off the whole time), but then I learned it was actually an actual part of the actual movie, which I found weird when associated with a pink cartoon horse (although when I gained this knowledge, the sound itself instantly became my favorite part of the movie, since it reminded me of better things). As for the amount of references and nods, there actually seemed to be fewer of them upon my second viewing, mainly because the TV version actually removes at least two scenes, likely for time constraints, one of which had a rather pointless cameo from Trixie (Kathleen Barr in the theatrical version, Snake Eyes in the TV version), and another of which contained its own pointless cameo from the Cutie Mark Crusaders: Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo (Michelle Creber, Claire Corlett, and Madeleine Peters respectively in the theatrical version, all also Snake Eyes in the TV version). Removing the latter scene also creates yet another plot hole, but let’s not get into that right now.

Even after a second viewing with clearer audio, My Little Pony: Equestria Girls is a train wreck of a movie with not much to show for it. Though the animation, music, and voice acting have their upsides, the writing is rather sub-par and the world presented in the movie is very unbelievable, even by Friendship is Magic standards. Meghan McCarthy’s skills as a writer may have proven themselves in earlier episodes of the show (before Lauren Faust’s departure), but perhaps she could have at least done more revising on the script for this movie before it was sent out for recording. I have no doubt that some fans will continue to defend this movie despite all its faults, but it still failed to impress me. I would still recommend watching this movie at least once, if only so you can have your own opinion of the movie.

Later this year, the story of Transformers: Prime will reach its conclusion with a TV movie called Predacons Rising, which I am looking forward to seeing and will review once I do. Based on what little I’ve seen and heard about it at a panel from this year’s San Diego Comic-Con, I have high hopes that it will turn out a lot better than this mess of a movie.